The future looks bright…

I’ve just noticed (with a mild sense of guilt that I managed to firmly wrestle to the ground with deft application of rational and positive thinking) that it’s been almost two months since my last posting. Thankfully that has been entirely down to me being rushed off my feet with enjoyable coaching and training projects… a very happy place to be when you’re a freelance consultant in the midst of a recession. As they say… mustn’t grumble!

So forgive me if I gently tug you back into the dim and distant past and re-present our happiness equation: H = S + C + V. We had got to the final letter – V – the variables within our control that impact our day to day happiness level. In my last posting we looked at how events in the past can impact V, whereas in this posting we will look at the impact of our views of the future.

The future looks bright then… or it does if you happen to be an optimist. As Henry Ford once said, “whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right”. I think it was him anyway.

You can check out your own optimism level on Martin Seligman’s website ‘Authentic Happiness’. You will end up with a report that compares your optimism level with someone of your own age, gender and in your line of work… and you can then see if you’re a Tigger or an Eeyore!

In his book ‘Learned Optimism’, Seligman refers to two crucial dimensions called Permanence and Pervasiveness.

Let’s take Permanence first… Eeyores believe that the causes of the bad things that happen to them are permanent and that these bad things will always happen to them; whereas Tiggers see the causes of bad events as being temporary.

So if you forget your partner’s birthday, you might think “oops, I’ve been preoccupied with work this week” (temporary glitch – optimistic) or you might conclude “I’m rubbish at remembering birthdays” (permanent behaviour/character style – pessimistic). As you can see Tiggers move on with the rest of their lives not giving the missed birthday a second thought… while Eeyores gloomily conclude that all birthdays in the future will be potentially forgotten.

Interestingly if we look at good events, your explanatory style swaps over. So if you win the lottery, Tiggers conclude that they are always lucky (permanent), whereas Eeyores might conclude that it was just a lucky day (temporary).

Next up… Pervasiveness! This is the difference between people who can compartmentalise their problems and carry on regardless with the rest of their life, and people whose world comes crashing down if one tiny aspect breaks.

An example would be that Tiggers who fail an exam might conclude that they didn’t study hard enough for that particular exam (specific). Eeyores on the other hand would be more likely to catastrophise the event by thinking that they were useless at taking all exams (universal). Again with good events the explanatory styles for the optimist and pessimist swap over. So if someone at work comes to them for advice and guidance, Tiggers might conclude that they were respected in the organisation as a good mentor (universal); Eeyores however might think that they were only picked out because they happened to know about that particular topic or issue (specific).

So you can see how being a bit of an Eeyore can put you into a pretty helpless state – you will explain bad events in permanent and pervasive ways so your future expectations are lowered and you make mountains out of molehills. And you will dismiss good events as mere fluke and explain them away by being extremely specific. I feel gloomy just writing this!

Much better then to be a Tigger who dismisses bad events as temporary dips, is focused when finding a root cause in order to minimise any spillover into other pursuits, and comes up with permanent and universal explanations when things go well. Or is it?

Well before we get into all of that philosophy stuff, what can Eeyores do about transforming their pessimism to optimism? Seligman recommends that we practise optimism by first becoming aware of our explanatory style and then by challenging pessimistic thinking patterns (in our own heads of course not by having a heated debate with ourselves out loud in a public place). Why? Because the more optimistic you are the happier you will be.

So is it really better to be a Tigger? I do recall an Open University tutorial a couple of years ago when we looked at something similar on our Social Psychology course. We learned that the human psyche is wired to be more optimistic than pessimistic – a self-preservation technique; and that people who have clinical depression are experiencing depressive reality i.e. they really are seeing life for what it is and have a more accurate view of the world.

So what do you think? I do try and be optimistic in my thinking as I believe it gives me a more positive and enjoyable life experience. And if I dwell too much in the land of existential angst, I can get a trifle gloomy. Overall I’ve concluded that being positive is a good thing, as long as there is a healthy dose of realism in there somewhere. Onwards and upwards!

Big blue wobbly thing…

One of my fondest Blackadder quotes is from the scene where Baldrick and Thick Prince George (after whom one of my cats is named) are trying to help Blackadder rewrite the dictionary that had taken Dr Johnson 15 years to write. Baldrick proudly defines C as a ‘big blue wobbly thing that mermaids live in’.

Back to our Happiness equation (H = S + C + V), and C is next in line for an explanation; not a big blue wobbly thing then, but Circumstances. And the good news is that a change in our circumstances can increase our happiness levels. The not so good news is that the changes needed may be impractical or rather expensive.

Let’s take a look at what has been discovered over the years about how our external circumstances influence happiness.

1. Money – that old chestnut. I did read somewhere that once you are earning as much as the average Portuguese person (around €12-15k), you’ll have maxed out on your happiness potential. No amount of additional income over that amount allegedly will make you lastingly happier. So my wise Mum has been right all along then when she tells me that money won’t buy you happiness. Now of course there are people in poor nations living in abject poverty, where life is itself at threat, who will definitely be happier with some more cash. But in wealthy nations where pretty much everyone has their basic needs met through the welfare state, then increases in income have negligible effects on personal happiness. According to Seligman, even those with an average net worth of over $125m are only slightly happier than the average American.

2. Marriage - her indoors; my other/better half; trouble and strife. It costs on average around £15-25K these days to get married in the UK. That’s an awful lot of dosh isn’t it, so does it make you any happier? Well the evidence on the whole does suggest that marriage is positively related to happiness. But does marriage actually cause happiness? It’s a bit like drowning and ice-cream. When ice-cream sales go up, more people drown, therefore ice-cream causes drowning. Now that would be ridiculous, as the thought had probably crossed your mind that more people eat ice-cream in hot weather and that’s when they are also more likely to go swimming. And it follows that more people swimming = more drownings. So back to marriage causing increased happiness… maybe it’s just that people who are already happy are more likely to get married and stay married?

3. Social Life. Again drawing on Seligman’s research, very happy people differ from averagely happy and unhappy people in that they have busy and fulfilling social lives. Very happy people spend the least time alone and the most time socialising. Now is this just bad science or is there really a causal link? Yes a rich social life (combined with a happy marriage) might just make you happier, but it could be that happy people are just better liked so they have more friends and are more likely to attract a partner? Hmmm…

4. Age. Older and wiser – maybe; but older and happier? Well apparently life satisfaction does go up slightly with age due to not having the enormous emotional peaks and troughs that e.g. teenagers have to contend with.

5. Health. Well this seems obvious doesn’t it? If you ask your average person to share what their top three wishes would be, then having good health for life is likely to feature somewhere. But apparently our happiness levels here are totally dependent on how we perceive our health to be, rather than our actual health. Humans are remarkably good at adapting to adverse events and we’ll make out we’re a lot healthier than we really are. Remember the Black Knight in Monty Python’s Holy Grail who, having suffered the bloody loss of both arms insisted that ‘it’s just a flesh wound’! Our happiness levels do decline however with severe and prolonged illness, but not as much as you would think.

6. Religion. Again there has been much research on the effect of having a faith and the impact on levels of happiness, and it certainly looks like having a faith gives you something to look forward to (heaven, seeing loved ones again, nirvana etc.) and instils a sense of hope (life after death, reincarnation etc.). The atheist just has to work harder at finding meaning in life and relieving existential angst.

7. Other things worth a mention but which don’t really impact happiness levels are getting a good education and qualifications (may help you earn more money but unfortunately won’t really increase happiness levels), having a high IQ (may help you pass exams, get better paid jobs, progress your career etc. but has no effect on happiness levels), sunny climate (may help with SAD but that’s about it), race (no effect) and gender (no difference overall but bizarrely women are meant to be both happier and sadder than men).

So in summary then, what could you change about your C to increase your H? Well you should try and live in the western world, maybe get married (but make sure it’s to the right person), spend time nurturing friendships and get out more. And, if you’re so inclined, worship a god.

Conversely earning, inheriting or winning more cash really doesn’t make you happier, there’s no point feeling guilty about missing that morning run, don’t worry about your looming exam results, and don’t bother moving to Corfu (although we did have a lovely holiday there last week).

Next time we’ll look at our final variable V, after which you’ll know exactly what to tweak in order to maximise your H! In the meantime, stay happy!

Smile at a Stranger…

Last week I was minding my own business whilst enjoying the heady high of the first caffeine fix of the day in Winchester Services, when I suddenly became aware that the customer to table ratio was rapidly shifting in the wrong direction. Moreover I spotted a kindly looking gentleman leaving the till, with a tall steaming glass balanced precariously on a tiny saucer, whilst anxiously scanning the room. Our eyes met (honestly, it’s not what you think) and I smiled. He moved towards my table, understandably interpreting that as an open invitation to invade my personal space. I have to confess at this point that there was a part of me that regretted the imminent loss of my privacy, but the deed was done and he looked harmless enough.

He settled down at my table and I resumed writing up notes from my client meeting that had taken place that morning in Kent. As I became absorbed in my task, a voice cut across my peace. “Ah, you are one of the beautiful people then!” Hello, I thought, we’ve got a rum one here. I stopped scribbling and looked up to see who he was talking to. Hmmm, it was definitely me.

“Beautiful person?” I mirrored back using my well-honed coaching skills to the max. “Yes,” he replied, “you’re left-handed!” What ensued was a fascinating journey across a vast spectrum of topics of common interest – how left-handers were harshly discriminated against through life and in spite of this were far more talented and successful than our cack- I mean right-handed counterparts (well he started it); Kent (he too was driving back from Ashford); how the Jurassic Coast had some of the best beaches in the UK (he too lived in deepest darkest Dorset); and anything and everything to do with training and teaching (he was a teacher).

Half an hour later I warmly shook hands with Ted as we parted company, knowing that we would probably never meet again, but content in the pleasurable experience of having formed a meaningful yet fleeting connection with a stranger. It transformed an otherwise mundane ‘coffee and work’ pit-stop into an enlightening and highly enjoyable exploration of someone else’s world and mind. Wonderful!

Sarah’s Positive Tips
#5 Smile at a Stranger

The simple act of smiling can make you happier. Too often we walk past strangers without a glance, or with a straight face or we avoid eye contact altogether. Instead, try something different! Look strangers in the eye, and give them a genuine smile. In most cases, you’ll get a smile in return, and the more you smile, the more smiles you’ll see in return! The end result is a happier world. So simple!