The title of this posting is, I believe, a Desmond Tutu quote… but please don’t quote me on that.
Just by way of a quick recap we are still working through our Happiness Formula (H = S + C + V) and we are currently looking at V i.e. the voluntary variables that will create sustainable change and help us to achieve long lasting happiness. And within the V arena, we have started to explore emotions that are concerned with the past, present and future. This posting continues to focus on the past.
What we now know is that how we feel about the past depends entirely on our memories i.e. how we have chosen to interpret a situation or event. It really is as simple as that. And if we choose to focus on negative memories and wallow in self-pity, it’s only too easy to see where we’ll end up – bitter and twisted and not very pleasant to be around.
However there are some very good reasons why we might hold onto revenge and bitterness. Our natural sense of right and wrong might lead us to believe that it is entirely unjust to forgive. After all, the perpetrator needs catching and punishing, and if you forgive them then by definition you are sticking two fingers up at their victim.
Revenge is sweet as the saying goes. Indeed a study published in Science in August 2004 went some way to explain what they referred to as altruistic punishment. In this study blood flow in volunteers’ brains was measured using positron emission tomography (PET), whilst they participated in a game of exchanging money. If one player made a selfish choice instead of a mutually beneficial one, another player could choose to penalise them.
What was interesting was that the majority of players elected to impose a penalty even when it cost them some of their own money. And when they did so, the researchers found that a specific region of the brain was activated known as the dorsal striatum. Previous research had shown that this region was involved in enjoyment or satisfaction.
Also brain scans showed a correlation between a person’s brain activity and how much punishment they chose to mete out at their own personal cost. Individuals with stronger activations were more willing to incur greater costs in order to punish someone else.
So the activation of the dorsal striatum seems to reflects some sort of anticipated satisfaction from punishing those who break social norms. Now this is all very interesting but it doesn’t really teach us how to let go and forgive; instead it seems that the very act of forgiveness might actually go against an instinctive or learned response to being wronged!
Having said that, it is entirely possible to forgive but you may need to be patient and it could turn out to be pretty hard work. Recently I came across a framework for forgiveness that was developed by psychologist Everett (Ev) Worthington. Ev constructed a five-step model to facilitate the process of forgiveness, and it is one of the techniques most favoured by counsellors specialising in forgiveness, mediation and reconciliation.
Worthington himself endured one of the most horrific traumas that a person ever experiences when in 1996, his elderly mother was sexually assaulted and then beaten to death with a crowbar and a baseball bat. His successful journey to forgiveness was an inspiration to all.
Worthington’s five-step technique of forgiveness is called REACH, which stands for the following:
Recall the hurt in as objective a way as you can.
Empathise with the person who hurt you – this may not be easy but try to develop a plausible story that might explain the perpetrator’s behaviour. Explain the hurtful act, not from your perspective, but from that of the wrongdoer. People who attack others are themselves usually in a state of fear, anger or hurt and are certainly not behaving rationally at the time.
Altruistic gift of forgiveness – forgiving usually makes us feel better, and you are giving it for the wrongdoer’s own good. You can’t hurt them by not forgiving but you set yourself free by forgiving. (On a pedantic note, I think the work altruistic is misused here as I believe that an altruistic act is not meant to benefit the initiator in any way!).
Commitment to forgive – make a commitment to yourself to forgive publicly so you don’t have a chance to back out later. You may decide to write a letter of forgiveness to the wrongdoer or tell a trusted friend about your act of forgiveness.
Hold on to the forgiveness – memories of the hurtful event will surface even after you have forgiven the wrongdoer. Don’t ruminate or dwell vengefully on these memories – keep reminding yourself that you have forgiven and eventually your memories will weaken in emotional intensity and cease to be important.
So is it worth all the time and trouble?
Well as forgiving transforms negative emotions into neutral or even potentially positive ones, greater life satisfaction and happiness is likely to follow. And perhaps just as importantly physical health, particularly cardiovascular health, is likely to be better in those who forgive than in those who harbour a grudge.
So what are you waiting for?
