The future looks bright…

I’ve just noticed (with a mild sense of guilt that I managed to firmly wrestle to the ground with deft application of rational and positive thinking) that it’s been almost two months since my last posting. Thankfully that has been entirely down to me being rushed off my feet with enjoyable coaching and training projects… a very happy place to be when you’re a freelance consultant in the midst of a recession. As they say… mustn’t grumble!

So forgive me if I gently tug you back into the dim and distant past and re-present our happiness equation: H = S + C + V. We had got to the final letter – V – the variables within our control that impact our day to day happiness level. In my last posting we looked at how events in the past can impact V, whereas in this posting we will look at the impact of our views of the future.

The future looks bright then… or it does if you happen to be an optimist. As Henry Ford once said, “whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right”. I think it was him anyway.

You can check out your own optimism level on Martin Seligman’s website ‘Authentic Happiness’. You will end up with a report that compares your optimism level with someone of your own age, gender and in your line of work… and you can then see if you’re a Tigger or an Eeyore!

In his book ‘Learned Optimism’, Seligman refers to two crucial dimensions called Permanence and Pervasiveness.

Let’s take Permanence first… Eeyores believe that the causes of the bad things that happen to them are permanent and that these bad things will always happen to them; whereas Tiggers see the causes of bad events as being temporary.

So if you forget your partner’s birthday, you might think “oops, I’ve been preoccupied with work this week” (temporary glitch – optimistic) or you might conclude “I’m rubbish at remembering birthdays” (permanent behaviour/character style – pessimistic). As you can see Tiggers move on with the rest of their lives not giving the missed birthday a second thought… while Eeyores gloomily conclude that all birthdays in the future will be potentially forgotten.

Interestingly if we look at good events, your explanatory style swaps over. So if you win the lottery, Tiggers conclude that they are always lucky (permanent), whereas Eeyores might conclude that it was just a lucky day (temporary).

Next up… Pervasiveness! This is the difference between people who can compartmentalise their problems and carry on regardless with the rest of their life, and people whose world comes crashing down if one tiny aspect breaks.

An example would be that Tiggers who fail an exam might conclude that they didn’t study hard enough for that particular exam (specific). Eeyores on the other hand would be more likely to catastrophise the event by thinking that they were useless at taking all exams (universal). Again with good events the explanatory styles for the optimist and pessimist swap over. So if someone at work comes to them for advice and guidance, Tiggers might conclude that they were respected in the organisation as a good mentor (universal); Eeyores however might think that they were only picked out because they happened to know about that particular topic or issue (specific).

So you can see how being a bit of an Eeyore can put you into a pretty helpless state – you will explain bad events in permanent and pervasive ways so your future expectations are lowered and you make mountains out of molehills. And you will dismiss good events as mere fluke and explain them away by being extremely specific. I feel gloomy just writing this!

Much better then to be a Tigger who dismisses bad events as temporary dips, is focused when finding a root cause in order to minimise any spillover into other pursuits, and comes up with permanent and universal explanations when things go well. Or is it?

Well before we get into all of that philosophy stuff, what can Eeyores do about transforming their pessimism to optimism? Seligman recommends that we practise optimism by first becoming aware of our explanatory style and then by challenging pessimistic thinking patterns (in our own heads of course not by having a heated debate with ourselves out loud in a public place). Why? Because the more optimistic you are the happier you will be.

So is it really better to be a Tigger? I do recall an Open University tutorial a couple of years ago when we looked at something similar on our Social Psychology course. We learned that the human psyche is wired to be more optimistic than pessimistic – a self-preservation technique; and that people who have clinical depression are experiencing depressive reality i.e. they really are seeing life for what it is and have a more accurate view of the world.

So what do you think? I do try and be optimistic in my thinking as I believe it gives me a more positive and enjoyable life experience. And if I dwell too much in the land of existential angst, I can get a trifle gloomy. Overall I’ve concluded that being positive is a good thing, as long as there is a healthy dose of realism in there somewhere. Onwards and upwards!

An Experiment on Gratitude

Life is full of ups and downs. Nice things occur on most days, and some not so nice things. Earlier today for example it was tipping down with rain and after much grumbling and moaning about how rubbishy the summer had been, I probably wasn’t on my best form when I then tried to tackle a complex spreadsheet – predictably I ended up frazzled and irritated. On the other hand my onions and leeks are getting bigger by the day, the sun is now shining and tomorrow afternoon I’ll be snorkelling off South Beach with some fellow members of the Studland Seagrass & Seahorse Study Group. Can’t be bad!

A couple of years ago I was studying for my psychology degree with the Open University. The course director for our Social Psychology course was Richard Stevens, who presented the TV programme Making Slough Happy. Richard gave us a list of ten Happiness Tools which I still have by my desk. A couple of them I have already covered in previous postings (see Growing Pains and Smile at a Stranger). But the one I wanted to introduce today is our final look at how our attitude to things in the past can affect our overall happiness levels (remember our Happiness Formula H = S + C + V).

It was number two on Richard’s list of Happiness Tools and is called Count Your Blessings. This involves, at the end of each day, reflecting on at least five things that you are grateful for. Now Tim & I were looking at this at the beginning of August and we decided to run Count Your Blessings as an experiment. In the process I have to confess that we have kind of tweaked it a bit. What we have been doing last thing at night is writing down at least five things that have made us happy during the day… and then we read our list out to each other.

Some nights the list flows effortlessly; other nights the items are more challenging to identify. Last night for example I got stuck after finding two ‘happy things’ and was feeling really disgruntled about the whole experiment. Then I read out my two to Tim, and he mentioned some more things that had happened that I’d forgotten about and so my list started to grow.

It is truly infectious, so give it a go and see what effect it has on you. For me it’s meant going to sleep with some final thoughts that are rich in positive emotions, the effects of which have been relaxing and strangely peaceful. Have I been sleeping better? Well I have certainly been sleeping more soundly and finding it harder to wake up in the mornings… although that could be the new blackout curtains!

Without forgiveness there is no future

The title of this posting is, I believe, a Desmond Tutu quote… but please don’t quote me on that.

Just by way of a quick recap we are still working through our Happiness Formula (H = S + C + V) and we are currently looking at V i.e. the voluntary variables that will create sustainable change and help us to achieve long lasting happiness. And within the V arena, we have started to explore emotions that are concerned with the past, present and future. This posting continues to focus on the past.

What we now know is that how we feel about the past depends entirely on our memories i.e. how we have chosen to interpret a situation or event. It really is as simple as that. And if we choose to focus on negative memories and wallow in self-pity, it’s only too easy to see where we’ll end up – bitter and twisted and not very pleasant to be around.

However there are some very good reasons why we might hold onto revenge and bitterness. Our natural sense of right and wrong might lead us to believe that it is entirely unjust to forgive. After all, the perpetrator needs catching and punishing, and if you forgive them then by definition you are sticking two fingers up at their victim.

Revenge is sweet as the saying goes. Indeed a study published in Science in August 2004 went some way to explain what they referred to as altruistic punishment. In this study blood flow in volunteers’ brains was measured using positron emission tomography (PET), whilst they participated in a game of exchanging money. If one player made a selfish choice instead of a mutually beneficial one, another player could choose to penalise them.

What was interesting was that the majority of players elected to impose a penalty even when it cost them some of their own money. And when they did so, the researchers found that a specific region of the brain was activated known as the dorsal striatum. Previous research had shown that this region was involved in enjoyment or satisfaction.

Also brain scans showed a correlation between a person’s brain activity and how much punishment they chose to mete out at their own personal cost. Individuals with stronger activations were more willing to incur greater costs in order to punish someone else.

So the activation of the dorsal striatum seems to reflects some sort of anticipated satisfaction from punishing those who break social norms. Now this is all very interesting but it doesn’t really teach us how to let go and forgive; instead it seems that the very act of forgiveness might actually go against an instinctive or learned response to being wronged!

Having said that, it is entirely possible to forgive but you may need to be patient and it could turn out to be pretty hard work. Recently I came across a framework for forgiveness that was developed by psychologist Everett (Ev) Worthington. Ev constructed a five-step model to facilitate the process of forgiveness, and it is one of the techniques most favoured by counsellors specialising in forgiveness, mediation and reconciliation.

Worthington himself endured one of the most horrific traumas that a person ever experiences when in 1996, his elderly mother was sexually assaulted and then beaten to death with a crowbar and a baseball bat. His successful journey to forgiveness was an inspiration to all.

Worthington’s five-step technique of forgiveness is called REACH, which stands for the following:

Recall the hurt in as objective a way as you can.

Empathise with the person who hurt you – this may not be easy but try to develop a plausible story that might explain the perpetrator’s behaviour. Explain the hurtful act, not from your perspective, but from that of the wrongdoer. People who attack others are themselves usually in a state of fear, anger or hurt and are certainly not behaving rationally at the time.

Altruistic gift of forgiveness – forgiving usually makes us feel better, and you are giving it for the wrongdoer’s own good. You can’t hurt them by not forgiving but you set yourself free by forgiving. (On a pedantic note, I think the work altruistic is misused here as I believe that an altruistic act is not meant to benefit the initiator in any way!).

Commitment to forgive – make a commitment to yourself to forgive publicly so you don’t have a chance to back out later. You may decide to write a letter of forgiveness to the wrongdoer or tell a trusted friend about your act of forgiveness.

Hold on to the forgiveness – memories of the hurtful event will surface even after you have forgiven the wrongdoer. Don’t ruminate or dwell vengefully on these memories – keep reminding yourself that you have forgiven and eventually your memories will weaken in emotional intensity and cease to be important.

So is it worth all the time and trouble?

Well as forgiving transforms negative emotions into neutral or even potentially positive ones, greater life satisfaction and happiness is likely to follow. And perhaps just as importantly physical health, particularly cardiovascular health, is likely to be better in those who forgive than in those who harbour a grudge.

So what are you waiting for?

I think therefore I feel

In my last posting, we explored some key emotions that one may encounter linked to the past – nostalgia, contentment, pride, fulfilment and satisfaction. Frankly though it’s a fortunate person who can say, hand on heart, that they only experience positive feelings about their past. More typically things are a tad fruitier than that with a smidgen of bitterness, a soupçon of anger, a frisson of shame and a dash of revenge thrown in. It’s what makes the world go round. Or does it?

The trouble is that if you can’t let go of a damaging past event, if you tend to harbour grudges, and if you focus on the negatives and overlook all aspects of your life that are fulfilling and life-enhancing, you are pretty much setting yourself up for a miserable existence. Instead of the world merrily spinning around, you’re stuck in Groundhog Day.

So what can one do about this? Cognitive Behavourists would say that all emotions about the past are completely driven by our thinking and the way we interpret events. As we reflect on our memories we continue to interpret old situations from the past, and our conclusions, opinions and judgements drive our emotions.

So if you believe that an old friend vindictively betrayed you last year by breaking a confidence you will continue to feel hurt, angry and hostile towards them. If you have decided that your manager has deliberately sabotaged your prospects of promotion by stealing all of your ideas and passing them off as their own, you will feel livid, frustrated and shafted every time you look at them. And if you conclude that the local supermarket delivery people are deliberately picking short shelf-life items for your order, you will feel indignant, cheated and robbed when your credit card bill arrives. Thus emotions are entirely dependent on our interpretation of events, and we tend to treat our emotions as facts. Unfortunately what happens then is that our emotions drive our behaviour and taint our ongoing thinking and feeling. It’s one of those vicious cycles.

Over the next few postings, we will explore some different ways to tackle negative views of the past – if I try to do it all here this one will run to many pages and I’m sure your attention span won’t stretch that far – mine certainly won’t and I’m writing it!

Our tip for today then is to challenge our interpretations of past events. You know, there just might be another explanation for what happened? Think about it…

Maybe the short shelf-life items were all that the supermarket had at the time, otherwise of course they would have put longer shelf-life ones in your order. Anyway you can always hand the items back to the driver and get a refund – they are not forcing you to take the stuff! It’s up to you what you do with the squishy satsumas, and it’s entirely down to you as to how you interpret the situation and therefore how you end up feeling. Raging fury at the thieving b@!*tards or mild irritation because you need to go to the shops tomorrow after all. The choice is yours!

Maybe your boss does steal a few of your ideas – it’s not unusual let’s face it – but is that really the only reason why you haven’t been promoted? What about all those missed project deadlines and the badly overspent budget this year? What about the sales conference in January where you had a few too many tequilas and took the Finance Director to task in the bar. Not feeling so self-righteous now eh?

And maybe just maybe your friend did not intend to betray you and is absolutely distraught at losing your friendship. Perhaps the person they were talking to pretended they knew more than they did on the topic, and came up with some uncannily accurate guesswork along the way while the wine was flowing. It happens… so pick up the phone and make amends.

So this is all good food for thought. Or on the other hand perhaps we shouldn’t be thinking about it at all as thinking seems to get us into so much trouble in the first place! But I reckon it just might be worthwhile every now and again challenging the mindset that you have the monopoly on the truth. For as we have seen, there might just be another explanation for a past event, and if so you may be making yourself very miserable for no good reason.

Vvveering towards Happiness

Finally we can start to explore the last element of our Happiness Formula, and hopefully this will be one that we can really nurture and encourage to flourish. Because it’s occured to me, and I’m sure to you too, that so far we haven’t got a huge amount of ammunition to throw at the delinquent devils of despair, depression and downright disillusionment. Which nicely brings me to V.

V then refers to the voluntary variables that we can address to help us create sustainable positive change as opposed to fleeting intense pleasure. Yes yes, some of us still might prefer the latter, but in my experience it can get downright exhausting and potentially expensive hunting it down each and every day! Far better to achieve the slow burn of deep contentment.

V encompasses things that create positive emotions about the past, the present or the future. Much has been written in the academic and popular psychology press about positive emotions and it can be helpful to identify them, and also to categorize them into one of these three buckets.

Positive emotions around past events include nostalgia, contentment, pride, fulfilment and satisfaction. Moving into the present we can experience the positive emotions of calm, ecstacy, pleasure, joy and also being in flow*. Finally looking into the future we can feel the positive emotions of hope, faith, optimism and trust.

I’ve been working hard to avoid using the word ‘happiness’ as an emotion – for me it is on a par with the inadequate word ‘nice’. Frankly ‘happiness’ just doesn’t describe the essence of the emotion for me. It is bland and all-encompassing whereas we want distinction and specificity.

Of course if you are honest with yourself, you are probably experiencing any combination of emotions in these three buckets right now. For example you might be extremely proud of your three stone weight loss over the past year but now are frustrated with your current compulsion to eat vast quantities of double chocolate icecream with extra chocolate chips and fudge pieces. You may also therefore be doubting your future ability to fit into your new size 12 wardrobe and be pretty hacked off with the whole situation.

It’s also entirely possible to be bitter and twisted about your current relationship, to reminisce nostalgically and with fondness (and possibly through rose-tinted specs) about a former love, whilst also being incredibly optimistic about positive change happening soon.

Alternatively you might have suppressed a miserable past, rant and rave about how unfair everything is in your life and also have an unfeasibly large black cloud of pessimism about the future hanging over your head. Oh dear!

Clearly then it would be advantageous and desirable to cultivate and amass vast quantities of positive emotions about the past, your present and your future life. And that is what the V is all about. It’s about making choices (including Choosing Your Attitude) right now and moving your emotions in a more positive direction.

In my next posting then, we’ll start to focus on generating positive emotions about the past. I’m not a massive fan of Sigmund Freud so we’re not going to start exploring your early childhood and your weird and frankly disturbing dreams. Instead we are going to consider how to forgive and move on, to spot things that we are grateful for and to acknowledge them openly, and to keep tracks on the balance in our life so that our present has the best chance it has of being both uplifting and personally satisfying.

*More on flow later in another blog posting.

Big blue wobbly thing…

One of my fondest Blackadder quotes is from the scene where Baldrick and Thick Prince George (after whom one of my cats is named) are trying to help Blackadder rewrite the dictionary that had taken Dr Johnson 15 years to write. Baldrick proudly defines C as a ‘big blue wobbly thing that mermaids live in’.

Back to our Happiness equation (H = S + C + V), and C is next in line for an explanation; not a big blue wobbly thing then, but Circumstances. And the good news is that a change in our circumstances can increase our happiness levels. The not so good news is that the changes needed may be impractical or rather expensive.

Let’s take a look at what has been discovered over the years about how our external circumstances influence happiness.

1. Money – that old chestnut. I did read somewhere that once you are earning as much as the average Portuguese person (around €12-15k), you’ll have maxed out on your happiness potential. No amount of additional income over that amount allegedly will make you lastingly happier. So my wise Mum has been right all along then when she tells me that money won’t buy you happiness. Now of course there are people in poor nations living in abject poverty, where life is itself at threat, who will definitely be happier with some more cash. But in wealthy nations where pretty much everyone has their basic needs met through the welfare state, then increases in income have negligible effects on personal happiness. According to Seligman, even those with an average net worth of over $125m are only slightly happier than the average American.

2. Marriage - her indoors; my other/better half; trouble and strife. It costs on average around £15-25K these days to get married in the UK. That’s an awful lot of dosh isn’t it, so does it make you any happier? Well the evidence on the whole does suggest that marriage is positively related to happiness. But does marriage actually cause happiness? It’s a bit like drowning and ice-cream. When ice-cream sales go up, more people drown, therefore ice-cream causes drowning. Now that would be ridiculous, as the thought had probably crossed your mind that more people eat ice-cream in hot weather and that’s when they are also more likely to go swimming. And it follows that more people swimming = more drownings. So back to marriage causing increased happiness… maybe it’s just that people who are already happy are more likely to get married and stay married?

3. Social Life. Again drawing on Seligman’s research, very happy people differ from averagely happy and unhappy people in that they have busy and fulfilling social lives. Very happy people spend the least time alone and the most time socialising. Now is this just bad science or is there really a causal link? Yes a rich social life (combined with a happy marriage) might just make you happier, but it could be that happy people are just better liked so they have more friends and are more likely to attract a partner? Hmmm…

4. Age. Older and wiser – maybe; but older and happier? Well apparently life satisfaction does go up slightly with age due to not having the enormous emotional peaks and troughs that e.g. teenagers have to contend with.

5. Health. Well this seems obvious doesn’t it? If you ask your average person to share what their top three wishes would be, then having good health for life is likely to feature somewhere. But apparently our happiness levels here are totally dependent on how we perceive our health to be, rather than our actual health. Humans are remarkably good at adapting to adverse events and we’ll make out we’re a lot healthier than we really are. Remember the Black Knight in Monty Python’s Holy Grail who, having suffered the bloody loss of both arms insisted that ‘it’s just a flesh wound’! Our happiness levels do decline however with severe and prolonged illness, but not as much as you would think.

6. Religion. Again there has been much research on the effect of having a faith and the impact on levels of happiness, and it certainly looks like having a faith gives you something to look forward to (heaven, seeing loved ones again, nirvana etc.) and instils a sense of hope (life after death, reincarnation etc.). The atheist just has to work harder at finding meaning in life and relieving existential angst.

7. Other things worth a mention but which don’t really impact happiness levels are getting a good education and qualifications (may help you earn more money but unfortunately won’t really increase happiness levels), having a high IQ (may help you pass exams, get better paid jobs, progress your career etc. but has no effect on happiness levels), sunny climate (may help with SAD but that’s about it), race (no effect) and gender (no difference overall but bizarrely women are meant to be both happier and sadder than men).

So in summary then, what could you change about your C to increase your H? Well you should try and live in the western world, maybe get married (but make sure it’s to the right person), spend time nurturing friendships and get out more. And, if you’re so inclined, worship a god.

Conversely earning, inheriting or winning more cash really doesn’t make you happier, there’s no point feeling guilty about missing that morning run, don’t worry about your looming exam results, and don’t bother moving to Corfu (although we did have a lovely holiday there last week).

Next time we’ll look at our final variable V, after which you’ll know exactly what to tweak in order to maximise your H! In the meantime, stay happy!

S is for Set Range

Just a brief posting before I head off for sunnier and warmer climes, boosting my happiness levels in the process…

We should be able to quickly cover off the S in Goleman’s Happiness Equation. I’m not sure it will offer much solace for those who scored low on the General Happiness Scale, but at the very least it will demonstrate to you that it is your utmost responsibility to pay careful attention to your C and V – well it will do once you know what they stand for!

So… S = your Set Range. We’re with the nature/nurture argument here as S takes a look at what is biologically determined. Goleman described a ‘personal steersman’ which determines our innate levels of happiness. This steersman may lead you to either shy away from or gravitate towards copious amounts of social contact. Happy people generally are more social… and the thinking goes that their happiness may be in part caused by their high sociability. What this means is that if you have an unsociable steersman, you may need to fight against that tendency or forever remain unhappy! OK, so that may be an overstatement but there is some evidence that each of us has our own personal Set Range (S) for happiness – and that our S is determined largely by our genes.

This brings the proverbial good news and bad news. Traditionally starting with the bad news, if you win the National Lottery and you have a naturally low S, then this extra £12 million or so will not make a long-term difference to your happiness levels. Yes in the short-term there will be exciting times to live through when you buy your dream home, motorbike, car, yacht, holiday, garden shed etc. but it is very likely that you will revert to your baseline level of happiness over the longer term.

OK, so what about the good news? Well it may be comforting to know that if the devil vomits on your eiderdown and the world comes crashing down around you, then eventually your personal happiness thermostat will drag you out of the dumps and you’ll get over it! Hurrah! It’s well documented that depression is episodic and usually people will come out of it after a couple of months or so if untreated.

Now, there are some exceptions to every rule as we all know. And this is no different. With some adverse life events such as the death of a loved one, unfortunately the effects on our happiness levels are more far-reaching and longer lived.

In a nutshell then, there is not a lot we can do about S. But there is always C and V to explore. And if you’ll forgive me, you’ll have to wait until I’ve recharged my hedonic batteries in Greece to find out more…

The Happiness Formula

In my personal journey to find quick and dirty ways to up my level of happiness, I’ve had the pleasure of reading many an article or book by Martin Seligman. The best-selling author of ‘Learned Optimism’ has played a key role in raising public awareness of the ever-evolving discipline of Positive Psychology. In a book of his that I am currently reading entitled ‘Authentic Happiness’, he introduces his Happiness Formula:

H = S + C + V

where H is your enduring level of happiness. The other letters we’ll get to later…

Now if maths was never your strong point, don’t despair! We’re not talking about solving differential equations here – this is a simple and pragmatic formula that is easy to understand and easy to apply. It helps you to identify things in your life that may be having an impact on your happiness level. It also describes the need to work out what you can influence and what you can’t. Ultimately this approach leads you to consider what personal changes you can make in your own life in order to ramp up your H!

It is worthy of note that Seligman differentiates between ‘Enduring Happiness’ and ‘Momentary Happiness’. Momentary Happiness, much like a ‘Pay as you Go’ Sim card is pretty easy to top up. For example you might get a momentary happiness boost whilst being hugged by a loved one, munching on your favourite chocolate bar, receiving a genuine thank you from a work colleague, or when presented with a spectacular view after a hard slog up a viciously steep hill… whatever floats your boat!

However (and unfortunately) it’s a little tougher to raise your Enduring level of Happiness (H) which is what I’ll focus on in my next few blog postings.

To get us going then it might be worth your while completing Seligman’s General Happiness Questionnaire in order to establish your base-line level of happiness. You need to rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 7 as indicated by each question:

1. How happy a person do you consider yourself to be?
(1 = Not a very happy person and 7 = A very happy person)

2. In comparison to your peers, are you more or less happy?
(1 = Less happy and 7 = More happy)

3. Some people are generally very happy. They enjoy life regardless of what is going on, getting the most out of everything. To what extent does this characterization describe you?
(1 = Not at all and 7 = A great deal)

4. Some people are generally not very happy. Although they are not depressed, they never seem as happy as they might be. To what extent does this characterization describe you?
(1 = A great deal and 7 = Not at all)

To score the test, total your answers for the questions and divide by 4. I don’t have comparison data for the UK population, but apparently the mean for adult Americans is 4.8 with two-thirds scoring between 3.8 and 5.8.

If that has cheered you up, then excellent! Maybe we can find ways to get you even closer to the elusive 7 score over my next few blog postings. On the other hand, if you’re about to pick up the phone and call your GP, then some self-help may be just what you need! Tune in next time for some more positive psychological tips and know-how to firmly tweak the S, C and V side of the equation up in the right direction.

Smile at a Stranger…

Last week I was minding my own business whilst enjoying the heady high of the first caffeine fix of the day in Winchester Services, when I suddenly became aware that the customer to table ratio was rapidly shifting in the wrong direction. Moreover I spotted a kindly looking gentleman leaving the till, with a tall steaming glass balanced precariously on a tiny saucer, whilst anxiously scanning the room. Our eyes met (honestly, it’s not what you think) and I smiled. He moved towards my table, understandably interpreting that as an open invitation to invade my personal space. I have to confess at this point that there was a part of me that regretted the imminent loss of my privacy, but the deed was done and he looked harmless enough.

He settled down at my table and I resumed writing up notes from my client meeting that had taken place that morning in Kent. As I became absorbed in my task, a voice cut across my peace. “Ah, you are one of the beautiful people then!” Hello, I thought, we’ve got a rum one here. I stopped scribbling and looked up to see who he was talking to. Hmmm, it was definitely me.

“Beautiful person?” I mirrored back using my well-honed coaching skills to the max. “Yes,” he replied, “you’re left-handed!” What ensued was a fascinating journey across a vast spectrum of topics of common interest – how left-handers were harshly discriminated against through life and in spite of this were far more talented and successful than our cack- I mean right-handed counterparts (well he started it); Kent (he too was driving back from Ashford); how the Jurassic Coast had some of the best beaches in the UK (he too lived in deepest darkest Dorset); and anything and everything to do with training and teaching (he was a teacher).

Half an hour later I warmly shook hands with Ted as we parted company, knowing that we would probably never meet again, but content in the pleasurable experience of having formed a meaningful yet fleeting connection with a stranger. It transformed an otherwise mundane ‘coffee and work’ pit-stop into an enlightening and highly enjoyable exploration of someone else’s world and mind. Wonderful!

Sarah’s Positive Tips
#5 Smile at a Stranger

The simple act of smiling can make you happier. Too often we walk past strangers without a glance, or with a straight face or we avoid eye contact altogether. Instead, try something different! Look strangers in the eye, and give them a genuine smile. In most cases, you’ll get a smile in return, and the more you smile, the more smiles you’ll see in return! The end result is a happier world. So simple!

Choose Your Attitude

In my first blog posting I made a reference to the concept of ‘Choosing Your Attitude’, and promised that I would cover that topic a little later on… so read on!

Some years ago I was introduced to the brilliant concept of Fish!, a philosophical approach to life that emerged from a film about Seattle’s world-famous Pike Place Fish Market. If you want an introduction to the spirit of the Fish Market, click here – now that’s what I call the catch of the day!

The film documents the daily lives of fishmongers, going through their slippery fishmongery motions in smelly, cold and wet conditions, starting at good grief o’clock in the morning and with little chance of earning anywhere near Sir Fred’s weekly pension over the course of their entire working year. These Pike Place fishmongers operate 12-hour shifts in these gruelling conditions selling and packing fish – so how come they are so motivated? Well, during some downright humbling and enlightening interviews in the film, they individually share the Fish! Philosophy they have developed, which keeps them focused and productive whilst having huge amounts of fun every day.

Fish! Philosophy is:
Be There - for your co-workers and customers
Play – have fun at work e.g. throw a fish!
Make Their Day - do something special and go the extra mile, so that it really stands out in your customer’s mind, and
Choose Your Attitude - address your mental state when you turn up to work.

As a psychologist I am particularly interested in the last one, as I firmly believe that we can all work on and choose our mood, our outlook and our attitude to life each and every day. Now before you retort by asserting that no-one can be responsible for the impact of outside influences like losing a job or the car breaking down, I must stress that I really do disagree with that. While external stressors and events may be a trigger to our feelings, we can choose to respond to the majority of external events with neutral or positive feelings and attitudes. It is truly within our personal control.

Choosing Your Attitude is more than putting a false smile on your face… or indeed a twisted grimace! It’s about being self-aware, about having social awareness (being aware of the impact of your attitude on those around you), and it’s about managing your self and social management (managing the interactions and relationships you have on a daily basis). And for those Daniel Goleman fans out there, there lie the four domains of Emotional Intelligence which I believe are particularly pertinent here.

Personal change always begins with self-awareness, and once you are aware of your unhelpful mood or attitude you can choose to do something about it. This is about taking personal responsibility for your life, a quality which sadly is becoming all too scarce in today’s society.

Sarah’s Positive Tips
#4 Choose Your Attitude

As Bear says in the FISH! film, “You gotta choose where you’re gonna be as soon as you get out of bed. I consciously make that choice every day.”